Oh there's a monster in the Fatcave.
It conveniently arrived last night and has been punching me around ever since. It is Depression with a capital D. It hurts my whole body. It leaves me crawling inside even when it looks like I am having conversations and getting my work done and sitting upright in my chair.
What it does most of all is laugh at me and call me names. They are upsetting and sometimes bizarre and I will list some of them here but you don't have to read them all because (I warn you) they are mean:
Stupid b*tch. Lazy. Selfish. Pig. Pathetic. Wannabe. Hasbeen. Broken piece of sh*t. Boring. Chicken. Worst girlfriend ever. Worst daughter ever. Worst person ever. Self-centered freak. Leech. Disappointment. Waste of space.In case I don't get the message, Depression makes itself a little more comfortable in the Fatcave and continues its litany of harassment:
Your allergies are your fault because you're a sh*tty homemaker. People hate you because you snap at them because you're too impatient to be a decent human being. You think you're so much smarter than everyone else. You're a f*cking idiot. You were too scared to even study for the GRE because of the math. You'll never accomplish anything. You can't afford therapy because your ass is parked in an admin job with no opportunities for advancement and in the meantime all your college classmates are performing brain surgery and litigating and getting their third advance degree. Failure. You're not dedicated. You're a dilettante. You're a liar. You'll never own a house. You'll never be fit. You'll never be better than you are right now and probably you will only get much, much worse. You can't last a single day without your sad little crutches.You guys, I have to stop writing what it tells me because it is so relentlessly breath-snatchingly vicious. I feel sure so much of it is true.
But I can do this. And if I can lose weight while dealing with this Depression monster, then that will give hope to other depressed people dealing with extra weight, right? I will be able to do something good for myself and for others who think there's no way they can take care of their bodies because they are too depressed. I want there to be some meaning to this senseless pain, I want to transform this aspect of my life experience into something that can lift up rather than tear down. I've gotten so good at tearing down.
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8 comments:
IMHO: Fix the head games first. The weight is a symptom of all that self-hatred and negativity. Also, have you tried an anti-depressant? I know people have strong feelings about them... it could help turn down the volume of the negativity. Weight is not your problem here; it's a symptom of the bigger problem.
Waving my pom poms. :)
Heather: I've actually been on one antidepressant or another for over a decade--taking a fairly high dose of Effexor now. I was actually feeling on a pretty even keel biochemically for a couple months until this hit me last night. I suspect that what I need most of all is a good counselor in addition to just taking the meds.... Thanks for being one of my cheerleaders!
Okay Girl... I so get this. I have that same damn monster sneaking in on me sometimes. I have had counseling for depression a few years back and again this year after going through a divorce. One of the big things both counselors told me is to exercise and eat right, not because of weight, but because it makes you feel better. It is so true! Exercising releases endorphins and makes you feel great!
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal side of yourself and trust me... I have been there and most people have at one time or another in their life.
You will come out of this better than you started. I am so excited for you and believe in you 110%!!
XO Angie
Let me just tell you - the head games might lessen or you'll have one less thing to pick on you about when you've lost the weight (I say WHEN because I have faith in you), but life is not perfect.
I know positive self talk seems uber cheese, but one thing that is really hitting me lately is MizFit's "You are what you repeatedly do". If you can even look in the mirror and say at least ONE nice thing about yourself in earnest, it multiplies. Soon then you start getting all full of yourself and wanting to make out with the mirror, so don't take it too far. I kid, I kid. Sort of.
Anyhoo - I'd start with (just things *I* know about) determined, a talented writer, and empathetic and caring. And stop comparing yourself with other people. The laywer is probably working 100 hour weeks and is on the verge of a divorce because he/she never sees the family. The doctor is on call 24 hours a day and will be paying student loans until age 60. The rest of the crew is so up to their eyeballs in debt they're in school probably just to save themselves from actually REPAYING the loans that come due after graduation.
Maybe not, but the grass is always greener. Sometimes, just maintaining is progress enough. I often have to remind myself that.
Oh honey, I so know how you feel. I constantly battle depression and self worth. It's very annoying. The biggest help for me has been exercising and postivite thinking & talk. In fact, I started up my own tradition of posting on my blog daily something that I am grateful for...this is in effort to get me started off on a positive outlook rather than the negative. I hope the best for you and let me know if there is any support that I can provide you. This blogging thing really does help, you'll find that there are a lot of people out there to support you.
Here is a link to my blog:
Grateful Postings
~Stephanie
I totally agree with Angie and Quix... a little bit of activity (walking, with fun great music) and positive talk can REALLY help turn things around. I have found that even 1-2 days without exercise and I instantly start feeling those bad feelings. And as soon as I get out there in the sunshine (or the gym!) I start feeling noticeably better. You are a wonderful person. You have encouraged all of us so much. You deserve to feel wonderful, too. oxoxo
While I do not suffer from depression, some of these thoughts are familiar to me. I wish you all the best to get over the depression. I definitely think a counselor would help (like you said in the second comment). Anti-depressants only battle the symptoms, not the mental/ emotional cause.
I have suffered from depression for 40 years. Clinical depression doesn't generally come and go in hours or a day. It usually sneaks up on me and lasts for months. According to the Psychiatric Diagnostic Manual, it has to last for at least two weeks to qualify as clinical depression. It usually requires meds.
The kind of depression that comes and goes briefly (I know it doesn't feel brief) and that you can get out of yourself, is sometimes helped by meds and sometimes not.
The things that do help (for either kind) are RXERCISE (although you really don't want to at that time, turning your attention to something you really like (for me, when not clinically depressed, a shower and straightening the house makes me feel better because I feel more in control. I can't concentrate on a book but coffee or whatever with a friend helps.
Using the cognitive behavioral strategies found in daddy Beck's (Judith Beck's father) books help a lot. I carry them around and look at them. They help correct the horribly negative things I'm saying to myself that make the depression (either kind) so much worse. One example might be: "I feel so worthless and I'll never feel different." Nonsense. That's how I feel right now but that's a temporary feeling.
I'm starting my weight loss journey again today and will use the material from both Beck's. They've worked before and will again.
Shanna
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